Movie Babies

The concept of this game is pretty simple what if two movies had an illicit affair resulting in an unlikely cinematic lovechild.  For example what if Cowboy lovestory Brokeback Mountain and time travelling adventure Back to the future made sweet movie love… you’d get:

Brokeback to the Future –

A story of impossible love between a geriatric mad professor and his special young friend Marty McFly, forced to keep their torrid romance a secret after accidentally time travelling back to an intolerant 1955. In the inevitable sequel they would of course travel back to the year 1885 to live out their favourite cowboy themed fantasies in peace.

Alright now let’s kick it up a notch with a few of our own….


1. War Dinosaur

The result of an incestuous Spielberg movie romance between War Horse and Jurassic Park.

A young Devon boy Albert Narcott forms a powerful friendship with a bay T Rex called Joey that his dad drunkenly buys instead of a plough horse. But when world war one breaks out the British army buy Joey to eat Germans on the front line.  Joey goes has a series of adventures, most spectacularly being ridden into battle by brave young dino-rider Tom Hiddeston. But in the end against all the odds the two friends are re-united when Joey rescues Albert from some Velocoraptors in no man’s land. They return home together to the family farm and watch The Land Before Time on DVD    


2. Kindergarten Robocop

Paul Verhoven’s tacky over the top action adventure Robocop meets the Arnold Schwarzenegger comedy classic.

In crime ridden Astoria a terminally wounded cop becomes a cyborg pre-school teacher to go undercover at a local school to protect the child of a potential star witness. He uses unconventional police training and the threat of lethal force to make the unruly classroom of toddlers behave. Comedy highlights include explaining to the irritating kids that the lump in his head “It’s not a tumour, It’s not a tumour.. it’s a computer chip!”.


3. The Inbetweeners of The Caribbean

British lads behaving badly The Inbetweeners meets Disney’s blockbuster theme park inspired pirate franchise for an ill-advised summer fling.

After their first year at Uni; Will, Si, Jay and Neil go off on Caribbean cruise during the summer hols. Together with their new wild partying friend, self-styled ‘Captain’ Jack, they embark on a disastrous rum soaked voyage determined to prove their not eunuchs and seduce some drunken mermaids. After the gang escape a tribe of cannibals by distracting them with Neil’s robotic dance moves, the film climaxes with the lads marooned naked on a deserted island just as the ship with their families and all the pretty girls on it passes by.   Expect the inevitable sequel The Inbetweeners of The Caribbean: Dead Girl Chest to be considerably darker.


4. Meet The Cullens

Tweenage brooding romance Twilight encounters Ben Stiller comedy Meet the Parents for a period of intense staring leading to mutant baby-making.

Stern Vampire Patriarch Dr Carlisle Cullen is considerably unimpressed when his son Edward brings home his new human boyfriend a male nurse called Greg Focker to meet the family. Things go from bad to worse for the hapless Greg as he desperately tries to impress his potential father in law whilst competing with Edward’s uber-achieving ex, a perpetually shirtless ballet dancer called Jacob.  Greg manages to spill blood on the families prized collection of graduation caps, injure a family member playing baseball and misplace the pet cat they were planning on eating for desert.

The sequel will feature more intense staring, increasingly awful self-referential godfather jokes from Robert de Niro and a very very ill advised birth scene.


5. I am Lego

Toy Story Meets Will Smith post-apocalyptic action adventure I Am Legend.

After a zombie plague wipes out the entire human race the only survivors are children’s toys. A heroic band of Lego Men are mankind’s last hope as they search desperately for a cure to the virus in time to save their owner Andy, so that he can grow up like a normal kid and continue to play with them. In a tear jerking finale, despite having cured Andy he nevertheless goes off to college without them and instead gives them away to a kid who looks suspiciously like Dora the explorer.


6. The Lost Goonies Boys

Combining 80s adventure classics and Corey Feldman’s entire career in one film…

A loveable gang of misfit suburban kids go looking for the treasure of inappropriately named pirate One Eyed Willy. They’re pursued by a bumbling family of vampire villains the Fratellis, led by Keifer Sutherland sporting a stylish bleached mullet. During the final confrontation aboard Willy’s pirate ship they’re rescued by a deformed vampire hunter called Sloth and their friend chunk who distracts the vampires by doing his truffle shuffle dance moves  to cheesy 80s power ballad rock songs.


7. The Disappearance of Alice In Wonderland

Gritty kidnap drama The Disappearance of Alice Creed meets timelessly surreal Lewis Carol tale.

A young girl is kidnapped and reluctantly taken down a rabbit hole by a mad hatter and a white rabbit that are late for a very important date with a loan shark.  The kidnapped Alice is forced to read allegorical stories while wearing S&M gear in order to prove to her family that she’s still alive. A dangerous game of shifting alliances then ensues as we’re shocked by a series of revelations about the three protagonists. In the end Alice wakes up and realises that not only was it all a dream and she was actually never kidnapped, she just fell asleep in Tim Burton’s living room.


8. Driving Miss Daisy Fast and Furiously

Geriatric comedy drama meets high octane thrills of the high speed Vin Diesel franchise.

After a bad car accident a cantankerous old lady reluctantly accepts a bald muscle-bound chauffeur hired by her devoted son. Gradually though the two develop a grudging friendship as they discover a mutual love of illegal street racing. In the sequel 2 Old 2 Furious Miss Daisy goes on the run on her own from the local assisted living facility. Eventually by the forth or fifth sequel all of the original cast will return having at last accepted the fact that none of their careers have really gone the way they’d hoped.


9. The Big Sleepless In Seattle

Raymond chandler’s hardboiled crime tale The Big Sleep does the noir nasty with schmaltzy Tom Hank and Meg Ryan rom-com Sleepless in Seattle.

After his young son makes an impassioned phone call to a local radio station appealing for a new case for his dad, a recently widowed insomniac detective is hired by a wealthy family to investigate a complicated web of intrigue and blackmail surrounding femme fatal daughter Annie.  Against his better judgment he takes the case, leading to an explosive final scene on the top of the empire state building at Midnight.


10. Gremlin Busters

When there’s something strange and it don’t look good when you feed it after midnight who you gonna call…. Gremlin Busters.

Combining two of the best 1980s comedy horrors-  Joe Dante’s  B-movie Homage Gremlins and Bill Murray wisecracking ghouls into submission in Ghost Busters.

When the quiet all American town of Kingston Falls is overrun by a vicious horde of strange little creatures, Billy (played by uber nerd rick moranis) has no choice but to call in a team of paranormal specialists. They manage to round up all of the critters by luring them into the cinema to watch Lost In translation. But when they cry at the end and get wet, they stick together to form a 100 foot tall marshmallow man. In a final desperate act to save the world Bill Murray and Dan Akroyd are forced to throw Harold Ramis’s career into their laser stream.


11. Ferris Bueller’s Groundhog Day.

John Hughes iconic teen comedy has a one day stand with another Bill Murray comedy classic resulting in…

A cheeky teen played by a baby-faced Mathew Broderick is forced to endlessly re-live the same sick day from school in punishment for being a smart ass and getting away with things a little too easily. By about the 500th time breaking the forth wall to constantly speak directly to the audience doesn’t seem nearly so charming. The curse can only be lifted when Matthew Broderick apologises for being in that painfully bad Stepford Wives re-make. In the end after he says sorry he’s rescued by Honda who pay $3.5 million to buy him out of his contract so he can go sell cars for them at America football games.

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